When I was younger, I used to think that the way we free ourselves from the repression of our sexuality was to reduce sex until it became meaningless, to have no boundaries, because boundaries meant shame and shame was bad. It took me hanging out at a porn shoot in L.A for a week and witnessing the extent to which sex can be meaningless, to see that I was climbing the wrong mountain, and that I did not feel free or at ease at all on my quest.
Being involved in the burgeoning ‘conscious sexuality’ scene these last ten years, continuing my quest of peeling away layers of conditioning, I have often felt like a freak or misfit and doubted myself. I have never really enjoyed going to play parties. My lovers are few and far between. I do not always want to be physically close or hug people all the time, like is often the case in this scene.
I realise now that there has always been a subtle undercurrent pervading this scene: the belief that being sexually liberated means having few or no boundaries. The sexually liberated woman is always up for it, and if she isn’t, it must be because of her frigid conditioning. Maya Yonika talks about ‘Patriarchal Tantra‘ in her article, which has some pretty astute observations!
Liberation lies in deeply listening to and honouring ourselves. Finding boundaries that may be ‘natural’ boundaries or they may be self-protective boundaries resulting from wounding, but being gentle and tender with ourselves throughout, not pushing, not letting the view of others on what is normal or right send us off kilter from our path of truth.
I have now stopped calling the spaces I facilitate ‘sex-positive’, but rather ‘person-positive’. Sex is welcome, but it’s not about sex. It’s about welcoming all of who you are – the frisky parts, but also the tender, vulnerable bits, the bits you judge, especially the bits you feel like are not allowed. There is no pressure to feel sexual. What happens in a space when we let go of what we think should happen, when there is pressure to have a certain outcome, and we just dive into the rabbit hole of truth in each moment, with ourselves and each other? I am coming to a place of peace within myself, the more I give myself permission to just be me, regardless of the expectations of others.