I remember some years ago participating in a silent ritual at a sexuality-themed festival, where every few minutes I was facing another man and offering myself in service to his desires, without words (don’t worry, I could say ‘no’ at any point!).
There is something that takes over sometimes in these spaces – an altered, alchemical state, a liminal space, where through deep presence and permission, what wishes to be met in me and what wishes to be met in you, comes out of the shadows, into the light, to play….
Out of infinite possibilities, I was beckoned over and over again to dance.
And each time I danced and allowed life to move my body, I felt the familiarity and a rightness in my bones. I know this. I have done this so many times. Except, I hadn’t, in this life.
But what I really want to share with you are the moments I had after that initiatory experience, where I was not dancing for anyone, but dancing for myself at a party or festival. That moment of grace where you enter a powerful flow state, the sense of being danced, where your will has nothing to do with it…. and how it was to see a man come undone in my presence.
What a powerful medicine – for me as a woman – to see a man allow himself to become so entranced and awed by the feral beauty of the Feminine force that he sees before him, that he cannot help but to lose his cool and become humbly, clumsily and vulnerably, sent off kilter.
In these moments there is a silent voice from him that says “there is a beauty and power coming through you that touches me so deeply, I have no category to put it in, and it makes me feel small and helpless in the presence of. And I am willing to feel it.”
That daring to go there and feeling the vulnerability – whether inspired through the untamed, primal movement of the body or the unpredictable and ravaging elemental forces of nature, is a powerful counter-force and potent medicine against the desire to control or capture or objectify and feel safe.
My ability to receive that admiration is my medicine in healing the memory of many moments in my history of being objectified. Of healing memories of a gaze whose silent voice says “I see only your body, not the sacredness behind it, and it exists for my pleasure” or “I will keep you small so that I don’t have to feel small”
Allowing myself to stand out despite the risk of being on the brunt of silent judgements of other women: “who does she think she is? Why is she drawing her attention to herself?” is a medicine towards staying connected to what feels freeing and true for me, and radiating that permission to others. A medicine for all the times I have stayed small in the presence of men, in order to not frighten or overwhelm, my life-force staying small and contained: safe, yet slowly stifled.
Appreciating a man in his moment of losing his cool is my medicine towards healing the times in my past, that I have judged men for being vulnerable, and seen them as less attractive.
Being a channel to receive that upwelling of love and admiration and humbly offer it back to the Feminine force – who by grace decided to come and visit – is a medicine and counter-force to an ego seeking personal gain and validation. It is clearing the channel to receive, melting outdated beliefs of not-enoughness.
These moments of this particular dynamic feel so precious and rare and I never hear them talked about, which is why I feel to to share about them with you, and I’m curious to hear your musings, if you feel inspired…